(or The Ghost of a Therapist Past)
I was awoken the other morning by the most disturbing dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so very real that it took me a few minutes to realize that it was only, thankfully, just a dream. So here goes:
I was at my old summer camp, or a place that felt and reminded me of camp. I was there with a group of cousins and their spouses. Actually, they are my first cousins once removed, the first cousins of my mother, but due to some wacky birthing patterns on that side of the family, I am closer in age to those cousins than my own actual first cousins. There was also a group from KAAN – the Korean American Adoptee Adoptive Family Network – at this camp-like retreat, and it became clear that the space had been double-booked, and we were forced to share this communal space for our respective gatherings. We were tolerating each other – and each other’s presence – but only barely. Suddenly, I said out loud, to no one in particular, “I never thought I’d live long enough to actually feel home-sick, to actually want to go home rather than be a camp.” To which, the ex-therapist, who was sitting in a rocking chair across the room, replied “but you did” in the most snarky and cruel tone.
Perhaps I should stop and explain. The ex-therapist has 2 adopted children from Korea, which is why my unconscious put my family gathering in conflict with this KAAN meet-up. That part makes some sense to me. What I do not understand, at all, is why the ex-therapist is still showing up in my dreams and what in the world I can do to expel her, once and for all, from my unconsciousness! And I don’t have any idea of why my unconscious needed to send me this message or what it even means. Was the ex-therapist making a statement on the length or quality of my life as compared to her own? Was she a ghost or spirit in the dream? And why was she and her chosen family intruding upon my own family gathering at my beloved summer camp of all places?